Why People Gaslight Others

It Is Not Always What You Think.

Gaslighting has become a popular word. It is often used to describe manipulation, abuse, or intentional deception. While those things absolutely exist, the psychology behind gaslighting is often more complex than people realize. 

At its core, gaslighting is an attempt to distort another person’s perception of reality. It can look like denying events that happened, minimizing someone’s feelings, rewriting history, or suggesting that the other person is overreacting, too sensitive, or confused. 

But the deeper question is not just who gaslights. 

The deeper question is why. 

Gaslighting as Self Protection

Many people assume gaslighting is always calculated and malicious. Sometimes it is. But often, it is a defense mechanism. 

When someone feels threatened, exposed, or ashamed, their nervous system shifts into protection mode. Admitting faults can feel unbearable. Owning harm can feel destabilizing. Acknowledging wrongdoing may challenge how they see themselves. 

So instead of tolerating that discomfort, they unconsciously rewrite reality. 

“If I did not say that, then I am not wrong.”
“If you are too sensitive, then I did not hurt you.”
“If you misunderstood, then I am still the good one.” 

Gaslighting allows the person to preserve their identity at the expense of someone else’s clarity. 

Fear of Consequences 

In workplace settings especially, gaslighting often shows up when accountability is at stake. 

A leader misses a deadline and claims it was never agreed upon.
A manager makes a hurtful comment and later insists it was a joke.
A colleague shifts blame and implies you are remembering it incorrectly. 

Why? 

Because consequences are uncomfortable. Reputation matters. Power matters. Control matters. 

When someone believes that admitting fault will cost them status, authority, or approval, distortion can feel safer than truth. 

This does not make it acceptable. But it does make it understandable. 

Cognitive Dissonance and Identity Threat 

Most people believe they are good, fair, and reasonable. When their behavior contradicts that belief, it creates psychological tension known as cognitive dissonance. 

Gaslighting reduces that tension. 

Instead of changing behavior, the person changes the story. 

They convince themselves and others that the problem is not what they did. The problem is how it was interpreted. The problem is the other person’s memory. The problem is perception. 

It is easier to question someone else’s reality than to question your own character. 

Learned Patterns 

Gaslighting can also be modeled behavior. 

If someone grew up in an environment where accountability was rare and blame shifting was common, they may not even recognize what they are doing. In some families and organizations, denying, minimizing, and rewriting are survival skills. 

Over time, those patterns become automatic. 

That does not remove responsibility. But it explains why gaslighting can feel reflexive rather than strategic. 

Power and Control 

In its more severe form, gaslighting is about dominance. 

If I can control your perception, I can control the narrative.
If I can make you doubt yourself, I will increase my influence.
If you question your memory, you are less likely to challenge me. 

In toxic workplaces and abusive relationships, this becomes systemic. The goal is not just to avoid discomfort. The goal is to destabilize the other person enough that they stop pushing back. 

That is not insecurity. That is control. 

The Cost of Gaslighting 

Regardless of motive, the impact is serious. 

The person being gaslit begins to question their memory, judgment, and emotional responses. Confidence erodes. Trust fractures. Psychological safety disappears. 

In organizations, gaslighting destroys culture quickly. Employees stop speaking up. Feedback dries up. Innovation slows. High performers leave. 

Great culture can take years to build. It can be dismantled by one leader who refuses to own reality. 

Why Accountability Is the Antidote 

Gaslighting thrives where accountability is weak.  Healthy leadership requires emotional maturity. 

It requires the ability to say: “You are right.”
“I did say that.”
“I handled that poorly.”
“Help me understand how that impacted you.” 

Owning reality strengthens credibility. Denying it erodes it. 

The strongest leaders are not the ones who are never wrong. They are the ones who can tolerate being wrong without collapsing or retaliating. 

The Real Work 

If someone finds themselves distorting, minimizing, or rewriting events, the work begins internally. It requires the willingness to pause and ask hard questions. 

“What am I trying to protect right now?” 

“What do I believe will happen if I admit fault?” 

“What part of my identity feels threatened in this moment?” 

Gaslighting often fades when self-awareness increases. When people recognize their own defensiveness, insecurity, or fear in real time, they are far less likely to distort reality to manage it. The ability to sit with discomfort without rewriting the story is a sign of emotional strength, not weakness. 

For organizations, the work is cultural. Leaders must examine whether it is truly safe to admit mistakes. They must consider whether ownership is modeled consistently at the top. They must decide whether transparency is genuinely valued or subtly punished. 

People gaslight for complex reasons that often include shame, fear of consequences, identity protection, a desire for control, or patterns learned over time. Understanding those drivers does not excuse behavior, but it does clarify what must change. 

The solution is not confrontation. It is emotional maturity and the willingness to tolerate discomfort long enough to tell the truth. 

Truth may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but distortion costs far more in the long run.

Gaslighting is not just a relationship issue. It is a leadership issue.

When truth becomes negotiable, trust erodes. When leaders distort reality to protect themselves, culture weakens. When accountability is inconsistent, performance eventually suffers.

Healthy organizations are built on clarity, ownership, and psychological safety. That does not happen by accident. It requires disciplined leadership and a culture that values truth over ego.

If your organization is struggling with accountability gaps, cultural tension, or leadership blind spots, it may not be a policy problem. It may be a leadership maturity problem.

And leadership maturity can be developed.

JTS HR Consulting works with organizations ready to strengthen accountability, reduce cultural risk, and build leaders who can own reality without defensiveness. If you are serious about elevating your culture and developing leaders who model clarity and ownership, let’s start that conversation.

Because sustainable performance begins with truth.